Stef's Place of Wellbeing

The first few days actually I was able to do it, to get up at 6:30. Then, it turned into 6:15. Soon it was 7:20 and being late for work. I went on the slow decline. I spent more and more time on my couch, more and more time in my house, and I felt worse and worse. I was stuck in this cycle of not being able to take care of myself and being too tired to add anything to my plate. So, for the last weekend I stayed in my house on the couch all day long and even ordered groceries delivered. Maybe to the outsider this could sound glorious. I was too sad to enjoy it. What I realized today as I was brooding about I really don't like phrases like - you choose your own thoughts - because then I feel like it's my fault I am depressed. Which I know isn't true, but it sure feels like it's my fault. When I start thinking about being at fault, it's really like moving a giant rock in my own path. It makes it laborious to get out of that sort of thinking. Then I feel really st...

The perfect version of me gets up at 5am by the way. When I visualize the kind of person I want to be, I am getting up at 5am. Take that as you want. The reason for it though, is because I need to create in my life. I need it the way I need to eat or sleep or exercise. If I cannot create, I feel this immense sadness. So, I took the last few weeks to go through different wellbeing books and they all speak of the same thing: Have good morning habits. Getting up at 5am to do creative work before anyone else gets up. Taking in the secrets of the sunrise. Doing something, simply for yourself, simply for the joy of it. And, I realized that I don't have a lot of joy in my life. I have things I love and I have joyful moments. Many people have hobbies but my hobbies get pushed aside so often. I clean the house, cook some food, or go on Instagram before I sit down at the computer and write. What gives me joy? Writing. Writing poetry, stories, prose, or writing to my imaginary c...

In Italian, "Non te prendre stressare" means literally, "do not take the stress." They literally don't take it. Everyone has conflict. Some people have them verses another person, others have them versus the environment, and the third is them against themselves. I'm working on it. Meditation helps. Constantly checking in with myself and choosing what I want and not I think someone expects me to be helps. T he Mountain  is the meditation I love right now. Carving out more time for my activities helps me add more joy in my life. Being envious doesn't sit well with me. I don't like when I see other people do it and I don't like the way it feels. But, by pretending it doesn't exist, it turns into a bad feeling of resentment. So, I have been working on envy. Working on recognizing it in myself and not judging myself for it. You have to be true to yourself which means sitting with the emotions you don't want to feel. If you can...

We were having a conversation in the kitchen and I was crying. He said, "I'm sorry that you're sad", I said, "I'm not sad." It's not sadness that I feel. It's an overwhelming sense of emotion. It's a heaviness. It's like Dementors (a Harry Potter Reference) are sucking at my soul. It feel different than sadness. I get sadness. I've felt sad before. This isn't sadness, but closer to the feeling of loss. A deep emptiness. It's not a lack or a feeling like I don't have enough in life. I often wonder if it is a lack of purpose, but there are often that I deeply recognize and am grateful for my life and my purpose. I can clearly see how the construct of my life was made just like how one droplet of water falls down a window. Every single person in this world holds their own story, their own trauma, and their own pain and it never goes in a straight line. My psychiatrist told me that you have to live with pain. That's ...

I'm dog sitting Adam's parents' Jake Russel Terriers this week. Last night they woke me up around 7am. The hilarious part about this is that I have been struggling to wake up early for a few months now. A few weeks anyway. So, here these dogs are as a gift to me to help me get up in the morning. They got me up this morning earlier than I would have wanted, but at the same time as my goal morning.  I woke up with the thought of caring for someone else on my mind. This mindset change gave me more energy and I was able to clearly identify and accomplish my goals. I have been very productive today, doing things for myself and for my other responsibilities like caring for my house.   I have been trying to change my morning mindset ever since I became aware of the ugly thoughts that I'd been having.  My ugly thoughts were, "oh, not another day, " in the saddest Eyore voice ever.  My ugly thoughts were, "sigh. I guess I have to get up n...

When I was younger I would sing all the time. Mariah, Whitney, Celine... One day I stopped singing. Then, I didn't sing anymore because I thought I would never "be a singer." There have been years when I didn't listen to music at all because I was so envious of the people who "got to" write songs and be singers. Then, the era of televised competition through me for an even bigger loop and I was so envious of people who had the talent I wanted: that singing talent. A few years ago, I started to do karaoke.  It was hard. Not so much the idea of singing in front of people, but the idea of starting as a beginner. As someone who really has to try to sing well. Who has no natural ear. I knew I sucked, but I just tried to show up and get comfortable with my own voice. I wish I could tell you that I suddenly came around and now I always sing. That didn't happen. I stopped going to karaoke and haven't been for a long time. I know a few songs that fit my...