We were having a conversation in the kitchen and I was crying. He said, "I'm sorry that you're sad", I said, "I'm not sad."
It's not sadness that I feel. It's an overwhelming sense of emotion. It's a heaviness. It's like Dementors (a Harry Potter Reference) are sucking at my soul. It feel different than sadness. I get sadness. I've felt sad before. This isn't sadness, but closer to the feeling of loss. A deep emptiness.
It's not a lack or a feeling like I don't have enough in life. I often wonder if it is a lack of purpose, but there are often that I deeply recognize and am grateful for my life and my purpose. I can clearly see how the construct of my life was made just like how one droplet of water falls down a window. Every single person in this world holds their own story, their own trauma, and their own pain and it never goes in a straight line.
My psychiatrist told me that you have to live with pain. That's the inevitability of being human, it's part of our life. What you don't have to live with is suffering. The suffering is from the wounds from our past that we are hiding from a lot of the time. We've done all we can on our own, and maybe it's time to get professional help.
I wonder about what depression is and how other people experience it. It is a crushing feeling or like all the walls are closing in? What does it feel like? What colour is it? People, artists, dancers and creatives have been expressing it for eons. Yet, we still feel alone in our feelings.
That's one of the characteristics I guess - is it? could it be a pervasive loneliness though our bones?
What does it smell like? What does it taste like? Is depression something you can bottle in a tiny bottle? What form would it be? A gas?
I've lived with it for so long now, I'm not sure how to live without it. Maybe I am just 2 people. Maybe that is my nature?
Not two faced, but two natured? A Pisces.
Or, depressed?
I've been going to healing for so long. But, you know what they say... when you are going through hell, keep going.
It's not sadness that I feel. It's an overwhelming sense of emotion. It's a heaviness. It's like Dementors (a Harry Potter Reference) are sucking at my soul. It feel different than sadness. I get sadness. I've felt sad before. This isn't sadness, but closer to the feeling of loss. A deep emptiness.
It's not a lack or a feeling like I don't have enough in life. I often wonder if it is a lack of purpose, but there are often that I deeply recognize and am grateful for my life and my purpose. I can clearly see how the construct of my life was made just like how one droplet of water falls down a window. Every single person in this world holds their own story, their own trauma, and their own pain and it never goes in a straight line.
My psychiatrist told me that you have to live with pain. That's the inevitability of being human, it's part of our life. What you don't have to live with is suffering. The suffering is from the wounds from our past that we are hiding from a lot of the time. We've done all we can on our own, and maybe it's time to get professional help.
I wonder about what depression is and how other people experience it. It is a crushing feeling or like all the walls are closing in? What does it feel like? What colour is it? People, artists, dancers and creatives have been expressing it for eons. Yet, we still feel alone in our feelings.
That's one of the characteristics I guess - is it? could it be a pervasive loneliness though our bones?
What does it smell like? What does it taste like? Is depression something you can bottle in a tiny bottle? What form would it be? A gas?
I've lived with it for so long now, I'm not sure how to live without it. Maybe I am just 2 people. Maybe that is my nature?
Not two faced, but two natured? A Pisces.
Or, depressed?
I've been going to healing for so long. But, you know what they say... when you are going through hell, keep going.
Comments
Post a Comment