The first few days actually I was able to do it, to get up at 6:30. Then, it turned into 6:15. Soon it was 7:20 and being late for work.
I went on the slow decline. I spent more and more time on my couch, more and more time in my house, and I felt worse and worse. I was stuck in this cycle of not being able to take care of myself and being too tired to add anything to my plate. So, for the last weekend I stayed in my house on the couch all day long and even ordered groceries delivered. Maybe to the outsider this could sound glorious. I was too sad to enjoy it.
What I realized today as I was brooding about I really don't like phrases like - you choose your own thoughts - because then I feel like it's my fault I am depressed. Which I know isn't true, but it sure feels like it's my fault.
When I start thinking about being at fault, it's really like moving a giant rock in my own path. It makes it laborious to get out of that sort of thinking. Then I feel really stupid because I haven't fixed my thinking and that I should really know better by now.
But, today I thought about how the less I cared for myself, the worse I felt. I had this realization that I could do some self care and that I was in control of which one I did. My partner asked me the other day - do you actually like any of the things you are doing? or are you doing them just because you think you should do them?
Which made me understand that in that moment, having the choice was empowering and not meant to bring me down. So, I started making choices about self-care that I wanted to do.
I reached out to my family and we started talking about Halloween. I remember loving every Halloween since I was a kid. I always made my costume or made pumpkins or something. I talked to my friends about Halloween when I lived in Italy. Last year, I was a vibrant clown.
A few hours ago I wanted nothing to do with it. I told my colleagues, I don't feel very festive this year. But, my cousin reminded me of dressing dogs up for Halloween and I felt so happy. Which really helped me to think about how much I love Halloween.
This allowed me the ability to think of other happy things. I thought about the happiness of other people and I made some plans for Halloween. and that's my plan for now. Think of happy things.
Like talking to your loved ones, chocolate, and dressing up for Halloween, and English muffins with Jam, and baths, and Charlotte my hedgehog, and writing.
My strategy now is to keep on reminding myself of happy thoughts.
I went on the slow decline. I spent more and more time on my couch, more and more time in my house, and I felt worse and worse. I was stuck in this cycle of not being able to take care of myself and being too tired to add anything to my plate. So, for the last weekend I stayed in my house on the couch all day long and even ordered groceries delivered. Maybe to the outsider this could sound glorious. I was too sad to enjoy it.
What I realized today as I was brooding about I really don't like phrases like - you choose your own thoughts - because then I feel like it's my fault I am depressed. Which I know isn't true, but it sure feels like it's my fault.
When I start thinking about being at fault, it's really like moving a giant rock in my own path. It makes it laborious to get out of that sort of thinking. Then I feel really stupid because I haven't fixed my thinking and that I should really know better by now.
But, today I thought about how the less I cared for myself, the worse I felt. I had this realization that I could do some self care and that I was in control of which one I did. My partner asked me the other day - do you actually like any of the things you are doing? or are you doing them just because you think you should do them?
Which made me understand that in that moment, having the choice was empowering and not meant to bring me down. So, I started making choices about self-care that I wanted to do.
I reached out to my family and we started talking about Halloween. I remember loving every Halloween since I was a kid. I always made my costume or made pumpkins or something. I talked to my friends about Halloween when I lived in Italy. Last year, I was a vibrant clown.
A few hours ago I wanted nothing to do with it. I told my colleagues, I don't feel very festive this year. But, my cousin reminded me of dressing dogs up for Halloween and I felt so happy. Which really helped me to think about how much I love Halloween.
This allowed me the ability to think of other happy things. I thought about the happiness of other people and I made some plans for Halloween. and that's my plan for now. Think of happy things.
Like talking to your loved ones, chocolate, and dressing up for Halloween, and English muffins with Jam, and baths, and Charlotte my hedgehog, and writing.
My strategy now is to keep on reminding myself of happy thoughts.
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