Stef's Place of Wellbeing

We were having a conversation in the kitchen and I was crying. He said, "I'm sorry that you're sad", I said, "I'm not sad." It's not sadness that I feel. It's an overwhelming sense of emotion. It's a heaviness. It's like Dementors (a Harry Potter Reference) are sucking at my soul. It feel different than sadness. I get sadness. I've felt sad before. This isn't sadness, but closer to the feeling of loss. A deep emptiness. It's not a lack or a feeling like I don't have enough in life. I often wonder if it is a lack of purpose, but there are often that I deeply recognize and am grateful for my life and my purpose. I can clearly see how the construct of my life was made just like how one droplet of water falls down a window. Every single person in this world holds their own story, their own trauma, and their own pain and it never goes in a straight line. My psychiatrist told me that you have to live with pain. That's ...

I'm dog sitting Adam's parents' Jake Russel Terriers this week. Last night they woke me up around 7am. The hilarious part about this is that I have been struggling to wake up early for a few months now. A few weeks anyway. So, here these dogs are as a gift to me to help me get up in the morning. They got me up this morning earlier than I would have wanted, but at the same time as my goal morning.  I woke up with the thought of caring for someone else on my mind. This mindset change gave me more energy and I was able to clearly identify and accomplish my goals. I have been very productive today, doing things for myself and for my other responsibilities like caring for my house.   I have been trying to change my morning mindset ever since I became aware of the ugly thoughts that I'd been having.  My ugly thoughts were, "oh, not another day, " in the saddest Eyore voice ever.  My ugly thoughts were, "sigh. I guess I have to get up n...

When I was younger I would sing all the time. Mariah, Whitney, Celine... One day I stopped singing. Then, I didn't sing anymore because I thought I would never "be a singer." There have been years when I didn't listen to music at all because I was so envious of the people who "got to" write songs and be singers. Then, the era of televised competition through me for an even bigger loop and I was so envious of people who had the talent I wanted: that singing talent. A few years ago, I started to do karaoke.  It was hard. Not so much the idea of singing in front of people, but the idea of starting as a beginner. As someone who really has to try to sing well. Who has no natural ear. I knew I sucked, but I just tried to show up and get comfortable with my own voice. I wish I could tell you that I suddenly came around and now I always sing. That didn't happen. I stopped going to karaoke and haven't been for a long time. I know a few songs that fit my...

Use a mood tracker app to track your mood like Daylio. Sometimes, we mark a whole day as bad when it's really one or three bad things that happened. Are you tracking mostly meh or bad? Ask yourself: what would it take to be happy? Don't judge your answer. Sit and think about it. It might come to you right away or it may take a few weeks. Do I need a plan? a challenge? money? connection? A bigger place to live? Recognition? Awards? Friendships? Travel? You might find 1 thing or you might find 20 things. Write them down. Sometimes we have big things in mind that takes a WHILE to get. Not all goals are 2 years long. Some goals take 10 years. It's ok to trim a goal into smaller steps. If you decide at the end of the goal or in the middle of the goal, that the goal has changed. Congratulations, you are human. Being as we always learn and evolve, we broaden our ideas and expand. So, maybe I'll never be a doctor by day and a ballerina by night like I had hoped t...

I have been feeling down these last weeks and I finally started talking opening up to friends and family about it. Turns out, I am not alone. I am not the only one who feels worthless and like if I don't have a goal or a "career" or a business or that I am not hustling enough, that I am nothing as a result and feels a real sense of disassociation with life. I have talked about this idea with women and men who are people who I look up to. People who are successful by all the typical means: education, career, self-employment, ownership of something, and artists. Everyone has been saying the same thing. So I wonder if it's a world phenomenon? If it's not just me then there is nothing wrong with me. So, then, maybe we change our thinking and start to take the day one day at a time, one hour at a time. One connection at a time. That's what's been working for me these days anyway.