The battle

I'm dog sitting Adam's parents' Jake Russel Terriers this week. Last night they woke me up around 7am.

The hilarious part about this is that I have been struggling to wake up early for a few months now. A few weeks anyway. So, here these dogs are as a gift to me to help me get up in the morning. They got me up this morning earlier than I would have wanted, but at the same time as my goal morning. 

I woke up with the thought of caring for someone else on my mind. This mindset change gave me more energy and I was able to clearly identify and accomplish my goals. I have been very productive today, doing things for myself and for my other responsibilities like caring for my house. 

 I have been trying to change my morning mindset ever since I became aware of the ugly thoughts that I'd been having. 

My ugly thoughts were, "oh, not another day, " in the saddest Eyore voice ever. 

My ugly thoughts were, "sigh. I guess I have to get up now." 

I'd sigh these big sighs. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to participate. I was a ghost. 

I'm in a 7 week workshop where each session you do 5 minutes of mindfulness. I've been practicing mindfulness at least a few times a week. I've been feeling better the last 2 weeks, and I think that I've been doing my mindfulness more frequently and more genuinely. This has allowed me to change some of the grey matter in my brain, making more space between the connections so that my thoughts don't jump around on me so much. That's what I've come to understand about mindfulness. 

I think the mindfulness has helped me have a clearer mind so I could observe the morning thoughts I was having. 

I'd been having some pretty depressed thoughts. That's how I was starting my day. I'd have happy moment, as documented by my mood tracking app. But, I'd default to these morning thoughts. They'd pop into my head all day long. 

In my workshop, I was asked to identify things I've done before for my self-care and then things I'm going to try in the future. That was a new one for me. I have been struggling against trying the same self-care over and over and it wasn't working. I used to get my nails done frequently, but since I stopped teaching part time, I can't afford that luxury anymore. 

So, what was I doing for self-care? Not much. When you are depressed, you don't have the energy to take care of yourself. When you don't have energy, you really have to dig down to keep what things you do have going for you. That take a lot of energy. By really pushing and learning to carve out time to do self-care, depression can lighten. 

Some things that work for someone else might not work for you and that's ok. Sometimes self-care looks like having a bath and sometimes you don't want to see your own skin. So, don't force yourself to take a bath. 

When choosing your self-care activity here are some ways to choose: 

1. Set aside 45 minutes in your schedule. Think of what you need to do to get 45 minutes and where you can fit it in. 

Is it at the end of your day when everyone's in bed? 

Can you skip a chore for tonight? 

Do you have to say no to someone? What might look like? 

How would your favourite celebrity / hero say no to that person? Could you channel his or her energy and handle this conflict? 

Do you get up earlier? 

Do you carve out 45 min during a weekend when everyone is out doing something? 

Do you not go with your partner to do groceries? 

2. Think about your senses. 

Hearing - could you listen to music? play animal sounds? go see a band? listen to a podcast? 

Touch - could you take a bath? exercise? play sports? do some yoga or stretching? 

Taste - could you eat something delicious?  dine with friends? savor a drink? 

See - could you watch an uplifting show or movie? go see a film? take a walk and describe what you see, think about your surroundings. 

3. Which of those feels most comfortable to you? Which one do you want to do? 

Think about what would feel good for you and not what you "need to" or "should do." ie. Choose exercise because you like to feel energized not that you think you need to because you want to lose weight. 

4. Watch your mind during this activity. Just observe some of your thoughts. Ask yourself: what have I been thinking about? Have I been thinking about conversations to someone else? Am I focused on this task? What can I observe about this task?

Gently bring yourself back to the task. 

 If you are having a problem stopping your head from drifting, think of this exercise like you are gardening your own mind. Every time you are able to switch your mind when you want to, to pull yourself out of a spiral and a rumination. You are trimming the plant that is your mind. You are making healthy connections. You are growing. You are able to be in the moment. 

It's difficult to pull yourself back. It takes a lot of resolve and strength. Sometimes my head can spin for days about a conversation I've had with someone else. I can imagine series of conversations where I am fueled by an emotion. 

When this happens, I am so sad because I'm wasting my life suffering over things in my own head and imagination. So, I've been focused on getting out of these mindsets. 

I could waste more time over wasted time, but that's when I need to stop - focus back in the task and in the present. 

5. Understand that this is a practice. You don't count the times you've had to bring yourself back. You don't categorize this practice as good or bad. You don't measure these things because this self-care practice is something that you get to do. Start with once a week. Add more sessions in the time that feels right to you. 

In solidarity.